Tuesday, February 24, 2009

TWO MOTHERS’ PREDICAMENT

When I did my two truths and one lie post, I ended by saying I had tons of gist to blog. This post wasn’t one of them. Truth is, I never knew I would ever do this post, and I really don’t know why I am doing it, because though I have always been me on this blog, this is the most personal post I will ever get to do. So don’t be surprised if one day I decide to take it down. I feel very vulnerable.

The trick question wasn’t meant to be in my two truths and a lie post, but somehow it ended up there, and somehow, here I am typing this very difficult topic in the middle of the night when all are asleep. And for once I wish I were an anonymous blogger because this is something I do not talk about. And there are less than five friends who even know about this truth.


Yes I have two mothers; the one who gave birth to me, and the one who brought me up, whom I call mummy till date.
I guess due to my two mothers’ predicament, I have subconsciously programmed myself to not wanting ever to have a big wedding, when eventually I am getting married. Neither do I want a party for my traditional marriage. I just want the dowry to be paid quietly in the sitting room and each family goodnight and welcome to a relationship.

I have said at times, that I don’t want to have a high table at my reception where there will be a chairman of the event and so on and friends ask me if I am crazy. But I have reasons you see. I have always wondered which of my mothers’ will play mother of the day? Biological- Who doesn’t know who I am or how I became me? Or Step- Who though, not the perfect mother, is the only mother I know, who brought me up, who is responsible for the person I turned out to be today, who together, we went through the laughs and the cries of changing times that shaped our family?

And even though mother one was absent due to no fault of hers at all, I hate the idea that the glory should be hers when I’m getting married. In the same way, I hate the emotions she will have, if she is denied a position that is rightfully hers. And is the position rightfully hers? I hate thinking about it.

During the traditional marriage, when mother of the bride is called for recognition, who goes? At the wedding reception, when mother of the bride is called to the high table, who goes? Her or her? When it’s time for bride’s parents to take a pose with the couple, how many people will be in the pix? Four or five and who stays on which side?

Females look forward to getting married and planning their weddings and enjoying that D day. I am not. Can we just skip ‘that day’ and let the holy matrimony begin?

Mother one, aka biological mother, is a stranger to me. We had just the first six and a half years of my life together. I don’t know this woman, but the thought of her pain makes me hurt. I don’t even call her mother or mummy or anything. It’s only some few months back we started a telephone relationship. And in six months we have spoken 3 times. I do not look forward to the calls, but do it out of obligation.

I do not have a relationship with her. None whatsoever. I avoided attending my beloved paternal grandmother’s burial, because I knew she would come to see her kids after over a decade, and I didn’t want any long time no sees. Not because she did anything wrong, but out of nervousness. I wasn’t sure how I would behave and I definitely didn’t want her to feel hurt or bad by the reception.

And years later precious granddaddy Warri died, and there was no escaping that burial at all. And she came like I knew she would. And I was indoors and mother two instructed me, to my fury, to go serve mother one refreshment. What did I do wrong that day? And later my dad as first son was dancing and been sprayed money and me as his first daughter was by his side dancing and picking monies from the floor, mother one came and started spraying me. I refused to watch the video coverage. Because I don’t want a remembrance of what I must face tomorrow. And most especially because of her expression; the joy in her eyes which translates into ‘this is my daughter’, it breaks my heart.

Unfortunately, this cup wouldn’t even pass after the days before marriage which I dread. If it would, I will bear it and make sure I enjoy my day. But there are other days which must run into weeks and at least a month right? I’m talking about the bride mother’s visit after she has had a baby. Who will come please? Her or her? Simple. I am having all my babies abroad and not coming home till they are two months old.

But before I face that, the main day must be dealt with. Do I just carry these anxieties till the day passes. Or does anyone have a plan that will save my sanity. I really don’t want to hurt any of my mothers. What do I do?

58 comments:

  1. Whoa,okay.
    1st am firssssssssst

    ReplyDelete
  2. Now,the way i see it.if u say its no fault of hers then the whole world has to know u have 2mums.i kinda have a feeling mummy2 will not agree to share d hightable with mummy1?she might insist that only mummy 1 shd go so d solution to that is NOT having a high table,am sure that can be achieved.
    as for wen babies come,that would be more than awkward for sure.
    am sure mummy1 cant attempt to come for a long time but if she does,having a relationship with her might not hurt oh,shey u know.
    all d best

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are thinking too deeply about this.
    Try seeing it this way, you have 2 mothers. Ignore what the world has made you understand (1 mother), and embrace the fact that you have 2.

    They can take turns visiting when you have a child.
    You dont have to have a hightable at your wedding; I dint have one.

    Yeah in the pictures there will be 5 parents, but who cares. Some will kill to have one.

    Deariee, see this as a good thing.
    You'll get goddies 4rm two mothers & you'll have enough gmamas to babysit 4 you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. @ QMoney- yes mum 2 is the type that will insist mum 1 takes the high table.

    @ Oluwadee- well said. i am grateful indeed to have parents. i think I like the babysitting part best, especially as i am praying i have twins to start.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lost for words...this is really touching...
    Talk to mummy 2 about this...
    During my wedding, I had no high table and I did not recognize anybody. Only God was recognized...

    ReplyDelete
  6. @ Rita- i cant talk to mummy 2 about this. we are close as close can be for a step mother and step daughter, but not exactly the real close if you understand. there are things we talk about, and things we don't. the way i see it, the high table is sure flying off the window. and recognise God only. exactly

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree with Oluwadee, embrace the two mums, it's not that easy though. I have a friend who was in this predicament. She had a court wedding where biological mum was mother of the day, and she had a small reception in her house after where mum 2 was mum of the day.mum 1 had no idea there was a reception at home. For her that solved it.
    All the best girlie.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Uzezi...it is ok...do u hear me ...it is ok...it will be ok...

    make your choices out of love...it is with an understanding of the past that one can be happy in the future...be as truthful as you can and you will see that you will not deny either of them their joy...instead it will be shared...but NEVER halved!!!

    it is ok for your biological mother to be proud of you...becos despite the past you are u

    it is ok for your mother whom you call mummy to be proud of you becos she raised you to be u

    Dont be scared...you have nothing to fear...nothing sweetie...

    p.s
    i know about exposing oneself in a post about family...mine are so heavily coded...but when i read the 3 that i have dared to write honestly...the rush of emotions is always 2 overwhelming.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think you should talk to her, at some point you have to forgive and let go of any grudge you are carrying inside so that you can move on and be free and happy

    ReplyDelete
  11. its easy to understand ur fears cos its a sensitive matter in some ways..but then, you dont have to continue seeing it that way..since both of them are willing to continue a smooth relationship with you..then just blank ur feelings..a lil bit and after some time of hanging around ur strange mum..the feelings will disappear..
    cheers

    ReplyDelete
  12. I understand where u r coming from, not because I have been in that position but from the pain and confusion I read in the post...

    Wish I could advice you but somehow I think skippin the high table stuff is a good idea...mummy two, ur step mother has been more of a mother to u and I feel she deserves recognition on that day...as u said she shaped u into who u r today....

    but then again, isn't it lovely you have two mums...so now u can compare the advices and choose the one that most mirrors what ur mind told u...lol..maybe u can just recognize them both on that day and that table...give to each the glory they deserve...

    Christ, I dont think I have ever written a comment this long...now see what u've done to me..

    wish I had two mothers, would sure milk both...

    ReplyDelete
  13. First of all , pray!

    Guess I'll have to go with what other's have been saying. I know it's gonna be hard for you but you gotta do it just because it's the right thing to do.

    On your wedding day, hug them both and let the world know they are your mother. You do not need to specify who's whom... all the audience needs to know is that u have two moms.

    May God help you when that day comes.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey, mummy 2 has all the rights o! She might have as well given birth to you.

    But you see, when you speak to her (mummy2) about it- you will be amazed at her thoughts- such women are rare to find.

    I know this because I know someone in your shoes.

    As for the wedding- 1st daughter or not, it's how you explain it to the folks that matters- after all it's all about your happiness, and I believe that's what they want- but pray continuously telling God how you want it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Uzezi, it is very strong of you to share such a personal story with all of us.

    I cannot give any advice, not that you are asking for any. But, if I may, don't allow your joy to be curbed by the failures of your mother and the issues those failures raise. I hope you will someday have a wedding not just for you but for your mother, the woman who raised you and cried with you or for you. And, if and when that day comes, relax and enjoy YOUR moment because you deserve it.

    Take it easy and thank you for sharing a little bit more about yourself. You are a lot stronger than you think and you will make the right choice when the time comes.

    ReplyDelete
  16. i know there's another blogger who has 2 mums too (36 inches)

    i think u're thinking too deeply about this one because first, a high table is not compulsory. it can be only u and ur husband infront.

    although i can imagine what u're thinking, i dont think you should avoid mummy 1 at all. u should look at it as double blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Now, this is touching. Call it ‘The Valley of Choice’ I almost want to agree with you to skip the whole wedding thing and go straight to matrimony in order to avoid the pain of hurting at least one person (Mother one or Mother two). I guess I’d just say – Let it be. Let your biological mum have her rightful position. I’m sure your Mother Two will understand, especially after you have a good talk with her prior to the day. I used to have a step mum too (for about three years). Truly, having two or more mothers could be tough at times.

    ReplyDelete
  18. This is a difficult one. Would it be a problem to let them both answer as mothers at your wedding?

    They can both participate if you all agree on who does what. Have a talk with your everyday mum and then meet with your biological mum to discuss issues.

    Here's hoping this issue does not stop you from having the wedding of your dreams.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Uzezi..i cannot say i understand the magnitude of your dilema.

    However my dear you can turn this around to have the "glass is half full" effect. You can involve both of them in your life and celebrate that you have 2 mothers. Yes, most of us are blessed with one mother...you have 2, so it is well. The future is tomorrow, most of the time it sorts it self out. Today is here so you deal with here and now.The wedding, children, marriage are all blessings that you deserve to celebrate with your family and friends. Embrace both of your mothers into your life to the best of your ability, hopefully they will both realise how important they are in your life.

    Don fret sweerie and thank you for sharing this.

    ReplyDelete
  20. im so sorry about the way u feel. i understand cuz my aunt/sis was in the same predicament. Mummy 2 in her case was my mum and during her wedding, even tho her birth mother was present, my mum did everything. But during pics, there were 5 parents....... dont be bothered about what people wil say or how they will feel. Its ur choice. Im sure they'd both understand on how u handle stuff...... skipping the high table sounds good...... ask mummy 2 on her opinions, im sure she'd advice u and talk to ur dad (not sure how close u are to him)........ at the end of the day, its ur happiness that matters

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hmm this is interesting, so my sister I always talk about that is getting married in the summer is actually my step sister. She has not lived with her other mother since she was about 5 or 6. She is also in this predicament right now. She has decided on using my mum as mother of the day and everything, because a mother is someone that was there for you through it all. not just because she gave birth to you. Her mum seems to understand and is not taking any hard feelings towards it. I am sure if you talk to both of them about it, they would see reason and all this would be solved. Good luck girlie! But this one that you are planning wedding are you and the caveman that serious!!! I WANT TO WEAR ASO EBI OO!!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Uzezi, take heart and be blessed. It's really ok, whether you feel it or not. It is.

    Having 2 mums is actually a blessing... I am not clear on the circumstances of why your bio mother and you didn't keep in touch, but really it shouldn't matter. My question to you is, do you think you would be "ungrateful" to mumsie 2 by seeking a relationship with mumsie 1? Because I believe I felt that as an undercurrent in your post. I just want to say that ultimately, you have to be happy. And I believe that mumsie 2 might actually understand your desire/need to interact with your bio mother.

    As far as the High-table goes, trends and traditions are meant to be bucked. It is YOUR wedding after all and you should do what feels right. Instead of having a high-table (which I am not having myself), what if you offered special gifts to those people that mean the most to you (which I will be doing). In that way, you can give what your heart truly feels to whomever you feel like giving.

    This post was very personal to me too. Because I have somewhat witnessed that situation in my own family. Except I was from the outside looking in, and my mother was the mumsie 2. It's always a delicate balance to find but trust me, your heart never never betrays you.

    Thanks for sharing such a personal story with us. And take care, sweetie.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I just wanted to thank you for sharing this with us.

    The fact that you've put a lot of thought into this makes me think that you're bound to make the right decision, one that considers the feelings of all involved, while at the same time doing what feels right for you.

    I honestly think you might be suprised by mummy 2's reaction, and I think she may even be able to understand how you feel about your biological mom.

    ReplyDelete
  24. @ Artsville- lol. there's no way your friend's mum wouldn't have found out about the other reception.thanks.

    @ Shubby Doo- i hear u. amen. it will be ok.

    @ doll- no no no no. im not angry at anyone. at all. im not that type of person who carries grudges. besides, whatever happened was between mother one and my dad, and these days, they are on speaking terms.

    @ simeone- lol @ hanging around your strange mum. thanks simeone

    @ Afrobabe- lol. very funny and good suggestion. u know i never thought of milking mummy one? maybe i should start. at least she is doing very well. lol

    @ Olamild- ok. amen. im getting good advices. thanks

    ReplyDelete
  25. @ Sirius - exactly. mummy 2 wouldn't mind taking a back seat. she is the one who worries me to send mummy one money. not because the other needs it o, but that i am working and making something. God will help me.

    @ SOLOMONSYDELLE- SS, u said u have no advice yet you gave a very good one. thank you dearie.

    @ bumight- double blessings. ok.

    @ Geebee- lol. the badest blogger has given it a name for me ‘The Valley of Choice’.

    @ TBR- no problem at all. but how comfortable will they be? everybody thinks mummy two is mummy. when that day comes and they see someone else, even if people say nothing, how will she feel? anyway, she is a strong woman

    ReplyDelete
  26. @ wordmerchant- i guess gradually, it whole thing will sort itself out.

    @ Funms-the rebirth- good. everything should work out fine

    @ Ms.O- lol. u are always too fast with your questions. what i get from you is good. it will be easier for me to talk to mum one not to be the mum of the day. im sure she will understand. and even before the caveman, this thots always bugged me.

    @ Ms Sula- seriously, its today that i am beginning to see it as a blessing. mum 2 has been begging me to start a relationship with mum one. of course she or my dad doesnt know about the 3 phone calls.

    @ Good Naija Girl-God will help me make the right decision. thanks

    ReplyDelete
  27. Uzezi, this is your special day. That's the first thing you need to remember.

    And after searching your heart and soul, whoever you feel is most deserving of sharing this time with you for whatever reason, is the person who should be there. I would go for mother 2 because she's the one who raised you. But it's your decision. Make it. And be at peace with it.

    Having too moms is really cool.

    ReplyDelete
  28. ZayZee, wow. I dont really know what to say. I read this post first thing in the morning and it has stayed with me all day.
    Do what your heart wants and do what you will be proud of. Both mothers have played an integral part of shaping who you are. one, when you were a child and the other helped in grooming you to be a woman. If one of them didnt do a good job, you will not be who you are now. so give each her due and try to see it as a huge blessing. because it is. Gosh I wish you all the best and the loveliest day ever. And please remember, the day is yours, plan it as you wish. Marriage traditions change everyday and it should reflect the couple being joined and not the tradition of their culture. xoxo
    and I must say BLOGVILLE ROCKS. You guys give the best advice EVER.

    ReplyDelete
  29. 2 mums.........a blessing

    high table........you dont need

    parents picture......two mums please

    babysitting.........2grannys

    i got it....... number 3 was the lie!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. lolll@ibiluv, but seriously i dont kno wat to say xcept....continue to pray abt it'


    it is well

    ReplyDelete
  31. Does it sound like you are getting married soon??
    What have I missed out on?
    Pray tell.
    Is it Gambian boy?
    As to your predicament.....
    I wish I could help, but I cant.
    Maybe, you can recognise both mothers. Its only fair. Its ok to have 2 mothers

    ReplyDelete
  32. This Uzezi girl cant be trusted, shes too crafty and creative, but if its true, its you before and after the wedding, people will be hurt and annoyed even at innocent gestures, so i advise you be you n give whatever attention and respect u can to whoever.

    Hope i made sense

    ReplyDelete
  33. Having 2 moms is a blessing. Some of us don't even have moms so enjoy it, it's a gift from God & thank Him for both of them.

    ReplyDelete
  34. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Wow...this is really touching. I'm not the best person to give advice, but I agree with Shubby who says you should make your choices out of love.

    You are blessed hun and I pray that God will grant you the wisdom to come up with a solution that works for everyone involved.

    ReplyDelete
  36. awwww..

    as most have said, having 2 mothers is a blessing..

    they both deserve recognition and equal rights(if u so please)..yes, mother2 is the one u've called mummy all ur life, but mother1 brought u into this world..if not for her, mother2 wudnt have a place in ur life..and u said the circumanstance was due to no fault of hers..

    they both deserve it all..

    this was quite touching btw..i hope u sort it all out..

    ReplyDelete
  37. @ Kitten- yes o. it is my special day. and i will be at peace with whatver decision i make

    @ Temite- stayed with you all day after reading? wow. u r right, they both played roles that has shaped me today. i have learnt lots from the two different world if i can call it such. and u r right again, blogville rocks.

    @ ibiluv- lol. funny. babysitting two grannies

    @ LG- me is praying o.

    @ tobenna- just read backlog now Mr? lol. im just voicing on the issue i have always though about incase marriage comes

    @ Sprezatura- u definitely didn't make sense. but i agree that there are always people who will be angry at innocent gestures

    @ Beulah- i have come to see the blessing since putting up this post

    @ simplegal- AMEN o. God will help me

    @ Buttercup- yeah. it will sort it self out all right and i will probably wonder why i was even worried.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I neither had a high table nor recognize anyone at my wedding so don't sweat it.

    I'm really trying to imagine what it feels like to have 2 mothers like you do.

    'know a few relatives who have 2 moms (were raised by another woman)but i don't think anyone of them had any awkward feelings towards their real moms.

    I think it's something you should try to savor, awkward as it may seem, there could be real benefits attached!

    ReplyDelete
  39. I have to say that I am with Oluwadee on this. She captured my thoughts very clearly.

    ReplyDelete
  40. you have laid it out as it is ,whichever way, one mother is going to feel left out..so dont have a high table or do introduction of parents!
    the whole situation with mommy1 must hurt real bad!i am sure you have been praying about it..pls keep doing so..God is able to give us peace and joy through bad situations!it is well

    ReplyDelete
  41. @ Enkay- okay. yes, im seeing the benefits already from this post

    @ In my head- alright then

    @ pink-satin- yes im praying. God will see me through

    ReplyDelete
  42. Waoh, i dont know what to say.

    just take this cyber hug!

    nice weekend

    ReplyDelete
  43. ...a day at a time, all things will pass.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Well this is definitely a very private post! Well done...
    Lemme share something personal with you, i have a stepmum too although my mum and dad and stepmum are very together but you see, we have a precarious situation in the sense that my mum is my dad's second wife and has 5 kids and my stepmum didn't have any until she adopted one about a year or two before i got married...i knew it was going to be an emotional day for everyone, so what did we do? We didn't have a high table at our wedding! Period! I didn't even give much thought to it!
    I'd say sweetheart, you need to ask the Lord for peace over this situation and don't analyse it, let him just work on your heart and ask for His will to be done. He has a way of making things right even when we can't immediately see that. It's alright!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Damn, this is a real predicament and i totally feel you. You don't wanna hurt anyone.
    Man, I don't even know what to tell you sha.
    I definitely appreciate you sharing this personal tori o. For now just try not to let the 2 mama's predicament cloud your expectations of the big day.
    Peace & Love.

    ReplyDelete
  46. This is so weird, i cannot tell u. cos im in this same damn predicament, but u know its really not so bad. ive decided there will be no high table, no introduction of the brides mother or father (at elast ur own is good u only have 2 mothers, i have two mothers and fathers. u know what, pls send me an email. missbrownlegs@yahoo.com. lets talk.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Well how about you flip it over and get yourself psyched up this way. You will have your wedding the way you want to.

    When it comes to the mother of the day issue just change it to mothers of the day. Both of them will sit together, wear the same clothes including shoe, bag and headgear.

    Shikena.

    Alternatively split the roles between them or somethink.

    I have decided that my mum and dad will give me away in church, not the traditional father giving away bizness...I HAVE MY REASONS.

    ReplyDelete
  48. @ darkelcee- thanks for the hug

    @ rethots- yes o. thanks

    @ Writefreak- wow. thanks for sharing this. good advice from all of you in blogville

    @ Original Mgbeke- i wont let this get me down at all. this post has made me relaise the blessings associated with the predicament

    @ 36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS- hi. we are in the bag and definitely getting out of it right?

    @ THIRTY +- that is a thought. they will be twins that day.

    ReplyDelete
  49. hey sweetie..how r u?? hope u've found a way around this somehow??

    ReplyDelete
  50. Na wa!
    Tricky one.
    I'm all for u leaving the situation as it is now so u aviod emotional torture and whatevers. I'd also add that it aint wrong for u to feel that way.

    On a lighter note, I'd also limke my wedding to be as quiet as possible.
    And my funeral too.

    ReplyDelete
  51. @ Buttercup- yes i have o, from all the advice here

    @ Severus Snape- lol. are u seeing your funeral already?

    ReplyDelete
  52. thanks for sharing this personal story with us...

    dunno what to say except let the love of God guide whatever choices you make concerning both mummies. it is well...

    ReplyDelete
  53. Zayzee, i cant believe i somehow missed this.

    my brother's wife had two sets of parents at their wedding, her mother and father (separated and she's the only child joining them 2geda), and the woman who raised her.

    they all wore thesame aso-ebi, my parents and her 4 parents. and it was ok.

    ma worry babe, the right thing to do will come to u, ok? mwah!

    ReplyDelete
  54. Hi Zayzee...I'm just seeing this and although loads of peops have commented on it,I will still add mine!
    I have a friend who is married now and is in a similar situation...
    First and foremost,it is not your fault that this happened so if you decide to have a big wedding, pls go ahead by all means and have fun!...don't forget to invite me o!!!
    Right on his wedding day, the 2 mums were called to the high table and the MC even commented on how blessed he was to be having 3mums now(the 2 mums plus a new mother in law).
    Same happened on his baby's dedication...I guess what I'm trying to tell you is there's nothing new under the sun...
    I personally see it as a blessing...(Seriously!)
    who says you can't have motherS of day instead of mother of day? at the end of the day,the choice is yours...

    ReplyDelete
  55. Uzezi babe,
    its been a while i know
    av been off n on
    i feel u like crazy
    small world it is
    i have 2 mums
    n its only pple lyke us who would undstd
    u had a fruitful 6 yrs wit mum 1
    i had just one yr,did u hear me
    i guess i have loads of stuff to blog abt...

    ReplyDelete
  56. wow! how did I ever miss your blog? Will be back here more often.

    ReplyDelete
  57. @ SOLOMONSYDELLE- im good thanks

    @ aloted- Amen

    @ Smaragd- u went shopping. lol

    @ NoLimit- i will invite the whole of blogville. after this post, i understood the blessing

    @ Sisto- ok, i have a sister in sisto. lol. im waiting to read you though

    @ Chili Pepa- i have absolutely no idea. welcome though

    ReplyDelete