He said I should ask Him for a birthday gift and immediately, the waterworks started.
I went into His presence this morning not to study the Word or meditate on it. I went not to show appreciation for all He has done for me or to pray. I simply went into His presence to vent on the first day of July because somehow, I found myself in that place nobody loves. Gloom accompanied me to bed and woke with me.
I knew I wasn’t going to achieve any meaningful work today so waited for my husband and kids to leave for work and school because I wanted to sulk alone. Being alone and sulking are BFF.
The rest of the day ahead was glammed up in gloom, patiently waiting for me at the front to present myself, like a bride approaching her groom at the altar. I didn’t want to be a late bride, so made haste to finish the morning chores so I could finally glide down and commit 100% of me, mind, body and soul to gloom for a memorable date.
But the Holy Spirit didn’t let me. He knew the barrage of thoughts the enemy had in store for me once I took that final step into his presence. As I tackled some chores, He whispered “Talk to me.” I didn’t feel like ‘talking’ to Him. This day will belong to gloom. At the end of the day, I will shake out of it and call on Abba.
He still wouldn’t let me. He knew my instant motivational verses posted on my wardrobe door weren’t what I needed this morning. “Talk to me, Uzezi.”
I’m not going to read the Bible.
“That’s okay,” He said.
I don’t want to feel thankful today.
“That’s okay as well.”
And then I started to vent. He kept quiet and listened. At a point, I told Him I knew the enemy was going to have a field day dragging me and I don’t have the strength to stop him. He didn’t push me to ask Him for strength.
I said, “I have been here before. Time and time again, You lifted me from this pit. I feel so guilty coming to ask for the same thing.”
“Uzezi, if you cannot come to me for help, who can you go to?”
And that reminder that I could go to no one for help turned my vent parade into a thankful Thursday. I didn’t have to count my blessings one by one to know what the Lord has done. I didn’t need to taste and see that the Lord is good. Is everything about my life not a testimony?
I felt free as a bride who finally realised on her walk down the aisle she didn’t want to marry the groom. I wasn’t going to be his victim.
But my Lord wasn’t done with detangling me from Mr. Gloom.
He said, “Ask me for a birthday gift.”
And the dam broke. My vision blurred as my face carried the tears whatever way they wanted to flow.
I wanted to say “Surprise me, Lord.” But He reminded me, He was still going to do that. So, I promised to get back to Him on the gift. He doesn’t need ample time to prepare. Minutes later, I asked the Holy Spirit if I could make a list and guess what He said. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that I can ask or think …
PS: Even when we have everything going for us, the enemy can come to take one insignificant occurrence and blow it out of proportion. If we aren’t careful, we spiral down to the enemy’s will for us.
I don’t know where you are, but if you are having one of those blue days and need to vent, He is waiting to listen.
And by the way, today is not my birthday. Have a fabulous July.